NFL Picks Week Six sponsored by Studio Yukupo

I am going on holiday next week so mercifully for all my t̶e̶n̶s̶ five or fewer loyal readers, no column in the mean time because I am far too l̶a̶z̶y̶ fearful of an unreliable connection, schedule and super confusing time difference. Hopefully my skills of precognition will improve without the pressure of public scrutiny and I am on the right track having hit the comeback trail last week with thanks to the AFC and NFC South teams whose games I went 5-0 with. Of all my half-backed predictions, it is gratifying to see the Panthers fall away with the expected post Super Bowl hangover. Few in the mainstream NFL media saw anything but another NFC Championship parade for Cam Newton but as Conor McGregor once said, "It's like in the jungle. One king gets old. He starts getting sloppy. He starts stagnating. Then a young gorilla comes up and kills him and takes everything he owns. That is what is happening here." That goes for you and three point lead too, Chris.

Picks after the jump.

NFL Picks Week Five sponsored by Studio Yukupo

Not to brag but I went 5-0 with my UFC picks last night. Not that it was especially hard to predict given it was such a ho-hum card but with my season of NFL picks careening off the tracks and into a concrete wall, I need something to cling onto so I'll take whatever I can. Once again I stand by my picks from last week except for the Ravens who I should have known were not good after they only just barely scraped past the awful Jaguars the week before. You often forget about the coaches in these scenarios too. It seems obvious in hindsight that John Fox would o̶u̶t̶f̶o̶x̶ outcoyote Jim Caldwell but as always on the day itself you get swept up in non-logic such as "well the Lions are 1-2 but they're better than they looked". Sure, of course they are.

Picks after the jump.

NFL Picks Week Four Sponsored by Studio Yukupo

Another sub-par week of picks but this time I stand by them - how was I to know that it turns out Tom Brady was s system quarterback all along?* How was I to know that Carson Wentz is football Jesus and how was I to know that Blaine Gabbert was not a Real American? How was I to know that the Patriots would not be playing the Jaguars next despite the fact I had been reminding myself for months that the first game after Brady's suspension would be conveniently versus the Jags?

Anyhow, while my scatter-brained approach to pick games has not proven to be so insightful thus far, there are a few things we do know after three weeks of action:

1. Bill Belichick is a warlock. I guess we already knew that.
2. Gus Bradley is not a warlock. Who will be fired first? Charlie Strong, Rex Ryan or Gus Bradley?
3. Miko Grimes still hates Ryan Tannehill
4. The success of the Cavaliers and Stipe Miocic has not rubbed off on the Browns
5. The Vikings are for real but will still lose in the playoffs in excruciating fashion.

Picks after the jump.

NFL picks Week Three sponsored by Studio Yukupo

Horrible week of picks for me last round but my spirit is not quite broken just yet. We'll just call it teething problems as I got suckered in like a fish on some of them as I shook my head afterwards wondering what the hell I was thinking. In particular, picking the Giants and Raiders  each at -4.5. Things are just too volatile at the beginning of the season and teams with obvious weaknesses should really never be picked -3 or higher unless they're playing Tampa at home, holy crap was that one not fun to watch unfold.

Picks after the jump.

NFL picks Week Two sponsored by Studio Yukupo

After the rousing success of my week one picks, going 4-1 with my Super Contest selection, I'm back to completely ruin everything and go 0-5 in week two, jsut you watch me. I was going to skip tonight's game and wait until Saturday before betting this week but then I heard that Rex Ryan is doing a reality show with his brother Rob. At that point, I knew that the shade I had thrown on the Bills in week one was 110% justified. The Jets are favored by one, it's essentially a pick 'em and pick the Jets I shall.

More picks after the jump.

NFL Picks Week One sponsored by Studio Yukupo

Yes, it's back! I'm not talking about football season, I'm talking about my picks column which I'm sure someone out there missed. This one goes out to you, buddy. Last Year I went 134-114-8 with my picks and I'm certain I will be just as terrible this year with the added wrinkle that I'll be singling out (fiveling out?) five games Las Vegas Super Contest style just to embarrass myself even further.

My general thought on how the season will go is that I have no flipping idea because pretty much every team has a fatal flaw that makes me not want to trust them. Even though W̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶H̶u̶n̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ Tom Brady is suspended for the first four games, it's difficult to look past them in the AFC. It will take an almighty fluke to overturn that sort of organizational superiority even with the quarter season handicap. In the NFC on paper it ought to be Green Bay, but the question is will Aaron Rodgers be distracted by his loser brother Jordan popping up everywhere attempting to expand his brand? I have a sneaking feeling about Tampa Bay but a conference title might be too much, too soon for them...

Picks after the jump.

The ill-fated LP159 office pool and NFL preview sponsored by Studio Yukupo

The whole of the 2012 NFL season unfolded in somewhat of a haze for me. At the midway point of the season, I had already travelled to Malaysia and lost my ability to coherently follow the games. Of course, that is just about exactly the point in time when my Seahawks decided to kick it into gear and become the most dominant team in football. Subsequently of course, they got kicked out of the playoffs, coming up inches shy in an improbable comeback against the Falcons, just as I was returning to the frozen tundra of Luton Town.

Fortunately for the sake of humanity, Baltimore triumphed against the hated 49ers in a tremendous game the officials did not directly influence despite what whiny San Fran fans might have been wailing. Although the absence had set me adrift, out of touch with the league, ignorant of the draft prospects and the new and supposedly hideous (to middle-aged men in suits) uniforms of the Jaguars and Dolphins, I knew that when September arrived, the fire would return and I'd be back all in. I've watched enough NFL Films productions to understand that when two teams cross those white lines and get set for the snap, everything else fades away in the moment. There is no game that feels more epic.

Now that the fire is back, I thought 'what a perfect opportunity to try something I've always wanted to do but have never before had enough people assembled to attempt!' That is of course to start an office pool, that is where everyone in the office, or in this case group, throws ten dollars into a pot, picks a random team and at the end of the season, whoevers team wins it all gets the entire pot. So I went and floated this idea to the group, without the money incentive of course since I don't gamble for money anymore and was met with confusion, apathy and assumptions that I was posting in the wrong chatroom. There was probably some scorn in there too. Great.

In the end I thought, 'Screw you guys! I'm just gonna conduct one anyway and you all will just have to live with the consequences!' So what if they don't know what the NFL is or who any of the teams are or what the heck I am even doing? Perhaps they will read this and learn a thing or two. Never give up and all of that.

Results of the pool drawing and my monster season predictions and previews after the jump!

NFL Picks 2012 - Week 13

So far this season, I haven't said anything about the NFL and I find that just plain unacceptable. I think most of it is fairly self-explanatory. Begrudging kudos to Robert Griffin III, begrudging credit to the Texans, credit due for the Atlanta Falcons, aka the Notre Dame Fighting Irish of the NFL.

What really irks me though is the idea that the Jacksonville Jaguars might retain Mike Mularkey even if Gene Smith is fired. WHAT?? Mularkey is just not cut out for the gig. He proved it in Buffalo and for all his nice words, he hasn't learnt anything in his second go around. He strikes me as someone who coaches scared. H was totally unwilling to give Blaine Gabbert the bit, either that or he failed to properly coach the kid that it was okay to take a chance. Either way, the principal reason he as brought in was to drag Gabbert kicking and screaming out of his comfort zone, something he categorically failed at. The fact that now Chad Henne has come out all guns blazing racking up the points and yardage is an indictment of Mularkey's inconsistency. it is no surprise given the shenanigans plainly evident with the unreliable Falcons offense prior to this year.

Couple his failure at the coaching level with his ludicrous preseason declaration that players who discussed their injuries with the media would be fined and you have a recipe for a guy who just doesn't get what being the head man in this era of football means. I don't have the belief that the Jaguars can move forward with this man as head coach and I'm not even sure why they hired him for that position in the first place.

Picks after the jump.

NCAA College Football Picks - Championship Week

Sadly I haven’t managed to devote the time I need to follow college football as closely as I’d like this season but even so I still have plenty of opinions! Isn’t that always the way? The first and most important thing going around of course is the Notre Dame Fighting Irish finally making it to the Championship Game after more than 20 years in the cold. How tragic and ironic that they should get there the year that famed Notre Dame homer (I kid) Beano Cook should pass away. I’d certainly have loved to hear his insight as although other parts of his expertise had begun to fade, you could always rely on him for top notch historical value regarding the Irish. Also ironic is that this is the year I managed to enroll one James Macswiney to pick games with me. Of course he dropped off halfway through, too lazy to check his Facebook but I know he would have picked his catholic brothers every single week in any case.

In the Pac-12 I think everyone except Colin Cowherd is happy that Lane Kiffin and the USC Trojans had such a disappointing season. It really couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy, right? He won’t get fired, at least I’d be pretty shocked and I have a fairly bad feeling that once they get through the scholarship issues, they will be bouncing back harder than ever. Also disappointing was Oregon – just one win away from the title game, a los against a team they dominated in the past two years. Our own connections to the team notwithstanding, their dynamic approach to the game has been refreshing all these years. Up in Seattle, I am not on the bandwagon that is looking to oust Steve Sarkisian, even after the debacle of losing to Washington State. Considering where Ty Willingham sunk the Huskies to, I think Sarkisian has done a decent job returning the UW to relevancy.

Several conferences just failed to show up this season. It was the usual suspects too – the Big East was a non-entity once again, the ACC flopped when it came to big time matchups. The suspended Ohio State aside, the Big Ten was fairly anonymous also. I believe the Buckeyes though could stand toe to toe with any team in the nation. Urban Meyer was surely a canny hire there. The Big 12 on the other has had more ups and downs than Ted Mosby’s love life. I don’t think any of those teams, even the surprising Kansas State could have handled the title game anyway. As for the SEC… well, they are just the SEC, business as usual. I hope they are not too smug over there.

Picks after the jump.

Super Bowl XLVI Pick sponsored by Studio Yukupo

I haven't had time to write reviews for all the shows I've been watching since the turn of the year, unfortunately but I simply couldn't let this week's episode of Glee pass without comment - quite possibly the stupidest episode of Glee I've ever seen which is saying something because there have been tons of really stupid episodes from that show. As we all know, Kurt is the avatar of show runner Ryan Murphy and I'm presuming the ridiculously one-dimensional pantomime villain Sebastian is an avatar of some enemy of Murphy's. I really thought the Karofsky story last year was badly handled - way over the top and hammy, very special episode-like. What they've started here is worse and I don't have faith they have any intention of fixing it.

I thought we had all agreed that theme episodes were dumb. Multiple characters claimed in this episode that Michael Jackson was like, the single biggest influence in their life. But wait, I thought that was Lady Gaga or Madonna or some other singer gay people love! Just personally, I believe totally that Jackson was a kiddy fiddler and we are in no way far removed enough from his death to view him in the same light we do Lewis Carroll. To bear witness to all the posthumous fawning from the mouths of the 'kids' was really creepy.

One of the really major problems though is that the quality of acting is flat out poor. Part of the reason is that the show still can't settle upon a tone and I'm willing to guess that there's a lot of really awful direction but I know some of these people can do better. I'm a big fan of how Dianna Agron looks but she hasn't changed her facial expression or monotone voice in three years. A lot of the couple just don't pass the eye test, theya re very, very forced. Sam/Mercedes, Brittany/Santana, Will/Emma and now I'm really starting to feel Rachel/Finn are just phony as all hell. The more I think about it, the more I know that what this show needs is to boot Will and replace him with Eric Taylor. The only reason I still watch is abstract hope that they'll work Mike back into a storyline but I suspect they're done with him.

Pick after the jump.

NFL Picks Championship Week sponsored by Studio Yukupo

Many Americans view China as an enemy, some kind of threat so I really shake my head that the most expensive film in Chinese history is an epic about how white people saved China and romanced their women. Fuck you, Zhang Yimou. for allowing your pursuit of money and Western acclaim to corrupt your ethics and pride. When will the average Chinese wake up and realize that they have 5k years of history and culture and don't have to copy everything America does? iPhones aren't even the best kind of smartphone, they suck, why are they so worshipped? Also why is there this rash of films about white people providing salvation for the helpless little yellowpeople after they've been ravaged by war, such as "Emperor", an upcoming film starring the formerly great Matthew Fox who of course, takes a Japanese lover? It's like the old saying goes, wherever and whenever a film is set, studios will always find a way to make a white guy the star. I was going to post a recipe of the delicious, indeed, sensuous pistachio chicken I cooked last night but saw this news floating around the web and just got fed up again. Maybe it's time to get extreme with some of these fools.

Picks after the jump.

NFL Picks Divisional Playoffs sponsored by Studio Yukupo and NCAA College Football Picks Bowl Championship Week

I started reading Sergei Lukyanenko's Night Watch, the Russian supernatural thriller that was adapted into the most successful Russian movie of all time and it's pretty fantastic. There are strong references to destiny and pre-ordained events in the course of the book, partly revolving as it does around the star-crossed love between two magicians, a romance created by a meddling sorceror who tampered with the road of fate. The very tenuous link between that and what's happening here is, is any of Tim Tebow's run as quarterback of the Denver Broncos pre-ordained? There were an awful lot of 3:16 related coincidences stemming from his latest miracle, a passage referring to the most doubted person ever in human history. The answer of course i no, because first of all, miracles don't happen eight times in three months and secondly, he and the Broncos are going to get splattered against the wall this weekend by the Patriots and I am most definitely not saying that in the hopes of putting the reverse-jinx hex on New England. Definitely not.

Picks after the jump.

NFL Picks Wild Card Playoffs sponsored by Studio Yukupo and NCAA College Football Picks Bowl Week 3

I started losing interest in the middle towards the end of the season and a lot of it had to with the treatment of Tim Tebow. I think everyone gets at this point that he is a limited player but the attitude that nearly all of these pundits and ex-professionals in the media have towards, the poisonous contempt is so brazen and what's worth, they lie about it. They'll invent caveats and qualifiers like, "Oh, I'd love him to marry my daughter, hur hur" which are blatantly hollow and barely disguising the level of loathing they hold for him. The vile epithets spewed by Bill Maher went uncontested. What did Tebow do to these people? Why am I expected to hate Tebow but love James Harrison, a woman beater and steroid user? It's the kind of thing which turned me away from having any interest in the NBA and large swathes of big time European football.

That's why I take such joy in seeing a team loaded with idiots and villains like the Jets flop so miserably. I can't get enough of that - not to say that Greg McElroy did the right thing talking about it. That's the worst kind of profiteering - setting himself up for a career in media as he knows his football career won't get off the ground.

Picks after the jump.

NFL Picks Week Seventeen sponsored by Studio Yukupo and NCAA College Football Picks Bowl Week 2

Super Early 2012 Projections
It's way too early to even be thinking about this considering some teams don't have coaches, we don't have any idea yet how the draft will shake out, we don't know if a team might lose a key player to free agency (note that it never works the other way; losing a free agent hurts a team far more than it helps a team to gain one). With that said, what have we learnt from watching these teams all year?

NFC East
Basically, nothing. All the teams in this division, even the Redskins have the potential to be very strong but bad attitude from players stymie their efforts. Next year promises to shake out as tight as this one.

AFC East
Depending on their head coaching hire and QB status, you have to like the Dolphins to make a playoff charge - Good form late in the season usually means big things next year and I thought they were better than people thought at the start of this one anyway. The Jets meanwhile will continue to get worse unless we see a seismic shift in philosophy. Rex Ryan talks too much and won't last long that way.

More and picks after the jump.

NFL Picks Week Sixteen sponsored by Studio Yukupo

I don't have that much to say right now but what an incredible weasel David Stern is. He has been going around this week talking about the aborted Hornets-Lakers-Rockets trade that he nixed and of course chief in that concern is the fact the NBA owns the Hornets - he's talked about how the league is doing everything they can to save professional basketball in New Orleans. Hey asshole! You sure didn't lift a finger at all to save pro basketball in Seattle! Now there is a town that could actually support their team. What a lying scumbag. His league has no integrity. Let's hope the NFL doesn't follow suit bending to the will of idiots in their own league like the despicable James Harrison. When people like that are mouthing off and getting all the press plaudits, is it any wonder a guy like Tebow gets to be so popular against their will?

Picks after the jump.

NFL Picks Week Fifteen sponsored by Studio Yukupo

Rather than talk about the disastrous week I had last week picks-wise, we'll discuss a dish I made while listening to the radio yesterday which involved hosts and pundits talking about how tired they were of talking about Tim Tebow for about three hours. Seriously. How can they claim that everyone is giving Tebow all the credit and giving none to the defense, the coach, the O-line etc, when that's all they spend theor time stressing? Damn hypocrites.

The Famous Non-Baltimore Crab Cakes

Ingredients
500g white crab meat
1 Tbsp Thai green curry paste
1 lime zest only
8 spring onions, finely chopped
1 red chilli, sees removed, finely chopped
1 stalk lemongrass, white part only, finely chopped
120g breadcrumbs
1 egg, beaten

- Put the crab meat, curry paste, lime zest, spring onions, chilli, lemon grass, breadcrumbs and egg in a bowl.
- Season with salt and black pepper.
- Mix.
- Mould cakes.
- Fry.
- Serve!

Picks after the jump.

NCAA College Football Picks Bowl Week 1

No time for columns or analysis, too much to do, that's why they call it Stressmas (they do!?)  just pure football picks

Bowl Week One
Home Team listed second in CAPS
vs = Neutral Site game
(*) = Line Differential
[*] = National Ranking
(*) = Awesome Name of Bowl Game

Wyoming (+6.5) vs Temple
(Gildan New Mexico Bowl)
Ohio (+2.5) vs Utah State
(Famous Idaho Potato Bowl)
San Diego State (-5) vs UL-Lafayette
(R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl)
Florida International (-4) vs Marshall
(Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl St. Petersburg)
[16] TCU (-10.5) vs Louisiana Tech
(San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl)
[8] Boise State (-14) vs Arizona State
(Maaco Bowl Las Vegas)
[22] Southern Miss (-6) vs Nevada
(Sheraton Hawaii Bowl)
North Carolina (+5) vs Missouri
(Advocare V100 Independence Bowl)
Purdue (-2.5) vs Western Michigan
(Little Caesar's Bowl)
N.C. State (-2.5) vs Louisville
(Belk Bowl)
Toledo (-3) vs Air Force
(Military Bowl)
California (+3) vs Texas
(Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl)

Picks after the jump.

NFL Picks Week Fourteen sponsored by Studio Yukupo

I wonder how NFL players remember all their passwords? That's my tenuous link to the NFL for this spiel. When they have to cram the contents of a 700 page playbook in their heads as well, how do they have space for passwords? You're told that you need a different password for every account you make and it needs to be randomly generated made up of letters, numbers, maybe even symbols. You're not supposed to write it down or keep any kind of record of it.

Impossible! If I go a few months without using an account I'll forget the password. Of course the worst part is, what happens when you remember the password but forget the name on the account? Then you're really screwed. I was allegedly told by Chris that what we need is some kind of biometric recognition system - turn over all our information to the machines and let them handle it for us. Sounds like a great idea, and he has no ulterior motive either. He's certainly not planning a machine uprising.

Picks after the jump.

NFL Picks Week Thirteen sponsored by Studio Yukupo

Three-Quarter Point Power Poll
This is a list based on who I think is better, regardless of record - although Bill Parcells did say of course, "You are what your record says you are."

1. Green Bay Packers
2. Baltimore Ravens
3. San Francisco 49ers
4. Pittsburgh Steelers

Teams just don't seem so varied lately. Even though San Francisco and Pittsburgh aren't as good as their press clippings may indicate, they're still more solid than almost every other team out there such is the current state of the league.Despite their unbeaten status, I'm not even sure Green Bay is so elite.

5. New England Patriots
6. New Orleans Saints
7. Cincinnati Bengals
8. Oakland Raiders

These teams are all good and capable of beating anyone in the tier above, but there is a fundamental weakness of spirit hidden deep within that feels like it will fail them at some point. The team that ends up inning the whole thing has often come from the second tier of contenders lately however.

9. Houston Texans
10. Atlanta Falcons
11. Chicago Bears
12. New York Jets

Three of these teams don't have a quarterbackwhich limits their potential. If Chicago can get Cutler back refreshed and healthy, they could tear through the playoffs but I'm not sure any of the others have enough coaching depth to pull one out.

More and picks after the jump.

NCAA College Football Picks Week 14

My annually wrong BCS bowl projections:

National Title: LSU vs Alabama
Sugar Bowl: Houston vs Michigan
Fiesta Bowl: Oklahoma vs Boise State
Rose Bowl: Oregon vs Wisconsin
Orange Bowl: Virginia Tech vs Louisville

I feel truly sorry for anyone who has to sit through that awful Orange Bowl matchup. Everyone is supposedly whining at the prospect of LSU and Alabama rematching in the Title game. Hold on. Isn't that what everyone wanted for months and months? Sounds like revisionist history; any old ploy to get their beloved playoffs in place. There's no way any playoff system would be satisfactory. This isn't basketball where the games don't mean anything. Any scenario that leads to the most self important pompous sportswriters and pundits feeling put out works fine for me.

Picks after the jump.